“But when the self speaks to the self, who is speaking? The entombed soul, the spirit driven in, in, in to the central catacomb; the self that took the veil and left the world — a coward perhaps, yet somehow beautiful, as it flits with its lantern restlessly up and down the dark corridors.”
-Virginia Woolf.
Introspection is such a uniquely human characteristic. Part of what makes us human is our self-awareness, our ability to look inside, to contemplate.
Worry is also a uniquely human product of introspection. Jesus said the birds of the field don’t have to worry so why should we… but isn’t part of what makes us human the ability to explore memories that don’t exist outside our imagination and to create uncertain futures in our minds to worry about?
Birds don’t have the memory of failing a test and projecting that experience forward to the next one. Birds just are.
It’s hard for us to live in the present, because we spend so much head time exploring the past and future.
I know some amount of introspection is helpful and necessary. But lately I have been questioning how much is really helpful.
Sometimes I feel like the girl in Woolf’s story– my thoughts ever fleeing inward, along dark corridors that never become illuminated. Processing my memories, trying to make connections, to understand myself, to understand my friends. Second guessing reactions and my own intentions. Following hypothetical rabbit trails into non-existent futures. Mind games. Brooding. “Gotta think myself out of this swamp back to solid ground.”
Not healthy, not fruitful.
I hate when I do that, when I wake up and have the vague sense that something is wrong with my life and the solution is to think about it.
Most of us have enough wrong with our life’s that we could sit down and go in circles in our heads forever.
Lately I have been “thinking” about another plan…
Not thinking about myself constantly. Not introspecting. Not worrying endlessly about the ways that I’m full of failure and not trying figure out solutions.
I can’t say it was my idea, I’ve been reading Psalms lately, trying to understand how David works through difficulties.
David begins with introspection. He often begins his psalms expressing his worries and fears to God. But instead of doing what most people do (keeping it inside). David voices his worries and anxieties to God.
And something incredible always happens. Somehow regardless of how bad it is, David ends up praising and giving thanks to God, remembering God’s goodness and promises to him.
But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.
-Psalm 13:5-6
He begins full of fear and failure, he ends hopeful and trusting in God.
I’ve been wondering how that happens. Obviously it is something supernatural and awesome that takes a fearful hearts and brings it back to hope, peace and joy.
I think at some point David takes a plunge and chooses to thank and praise God instead of worrying. In the middle of his fear and failure, he takes a deep breath and wrenches his eyes off himself and onto the person of God.
And when he does that he is brought back to intimacy. He stops worrying because it doesn’t cross your head to worry when you are in your Father’s house. When your a kid sitting on your father’s lap, you feel completely secure and loved.
The truth is that if we are sons and daughters of the king, we are always in His house, and He is always in us.
But when I worry and try to “think it out” on my own, I forget the reality of his closeness. And as I continue to delve into my own thoughts, I move away from trusting and towards fear and captivity to my emotions. The reality was that David was always in his Father’s house, but the worries prevented him from seeing it.
Psalm 100 to me is the perfect guide to lead me out of introspection and into intimacy.
Worship the LORD with gladness;
come before him with joyful songs.
Know that the LORD is God.
It is he who made us, and we are his;
we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.
Enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.
For the LORD is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.
The last part especially, “Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise” is like a road map to intimacy.
How do we enter into intimacy? –by giving thanks and praising Him. Thanking him for who He is and what He has done. Praising him for who He is and what is going to do!
My experience has been that in the middle of my worry, God brings small reminders of the way out. He doesn’t expect us to always be full of faith, super-pumped every second to worship and praise him. He understands that we are often fearful.
But when with a grain of faith, I choose to turn on a worship song instead of staying in my thoughts; He always comes the rest of the distance and sweeps me up in his arms and back into his presence.
